Emotions

Well my friends, tomorrow marks a full week of being back in the states. It’s such a weird feeling, and unfortunately I’m still having a little trouble adjusting. Or maybe a lot of trouble. I don’t know, I definitely feel like I’m all over the place. I’m so thrilled to be back and to see everyone, but I’m devastated at not knowing when I will see my family in Mozambique again. I didn’t think it was possible to feel those two different extremes at the same time. Then again, nothing is impossible with God. And praise him for that. It’s also been killing me to not be in Conway this week for Regina, and I feel like I have just failed as a friend. I need to organize my thoughts here. There are so many things I want to say, and part of me just wants to spill it all to you guys when I see you Saturday. But I think it’s good to write about it. It’s making me face it all.

About a week before I left Mozambique, I went through so many different stages of emotions. Denial and unbelief that I was actually leaving, confusion about wanting to stay longer, sadness about leaving everyone, fear of what would happen to my family in Mozambique once I left (and if they would remember me), and finally acceptance. Acceptance of leaving, of God’s plan for me, and of his perfect timing. And that is the place where I felt his peace. That is when I knew I could leave, and that he would take care of me. I knew that everything was going to be okay.

I’m ashamed to say that since I’ve been back, that hasn’t stayed the same. I have felt myself slipping into anxiety, trying to avoid Wal-Mart, feeling awkward and uncomfortable around people because they are all white and they all speak English, missing my bicycle instead of enjoying my car, and hating the question I so often get from people, “How was Africa?”

I find myself missing things in Mozambique that I came to see as comforts.  Spending Saturdays in the zone at Sonia’s house, having talks with Inoque as he drove me home after cell group every week, singing on stage in Portuguese with Dercio and Imerica, hearing the peace school kids call out my name repeatedly, cruising through the town of Quelimane on the motor bike with Raven, baking cakes with Esther, holding Danny during Sunday lunches, joking with Gocas and Rui, dancing with Belhu and Mefina, and feeling Pastor’s love as he hugged me goodbye. What’s funny is a lot of these things I used to see as challenges, and now I’m missing them. Weird right? God is so cool.

I feel like I’m in a weird phase to where I’m just visiting people in America, but I’m going to go back to Mozambique soon. The truth is, I don’t know what the future holds. And I have to accept that. As my mind has started spinning about all the things I need to do, like find a place to live, inform my supporters about the end of my trip, figure out what I’m going to do with my life, God has been reminding me of a lesson he continued to teach me the whole time I was in Mozambique.

My life is SO good. And my God is so beautiful. The places he allows me to go, the people he allows me to meet and have relationships with, the experiences I have, the lessons I learn, the struggles, the hardships, the laughter, it’s all so wonderful! And it’s so much better than I would have ever dreamed or imagined on my own. I have nothing to not be thankful for. Even all the bad stuff, I don’t even see it as bad anymore. God knows what he’s doing, and this journey he’s taking me on, this adventure he’s allowing me to have with him, it’s better than any movie or any song. Our God does not compare to anything. I’m sad about leaving Africa, and I miss it so much but God has remained faithful to his promises. He is with us always, even to the end of the age. He goes before me, and alongside me. He went with me to Africa and he has come back with me to America. I can go anywhere in this world and he promises to stay with me. How incredibly comforting. He is the reason I love Africa so much because he is my everything, he is all I have.

 

I love you ladies so much. I’m so thankful that God has allowed me to share life with you. You guys light up my life and make it so much better. Seriously. I can’t wait to see you all so soon!

 

Jamie

Image

The worship and sound team on our last Sunday. An incredible group of people.

Image

Imerica came to the airport to see me off. It was difficult telling this girl bye.

 

Image

Inoque and Mefina and their sweet baby whom has yet to be named. Beautiful people, beautiful family.

Advertisements

One thought on “Emotions

  1. I’m so sorry it’s been difficult, James. I can’t imagine the mixture of emotions you must be feeling, but you are right… we are so blessed to have the opportunity to get to love people all over the world so deeply. What a blessing to have people to miss so much! I love you, beautiful friend. Praying for you and can’t wait to see you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s